This is for those who aren't linked in to my primary blog.

Caution:  Strong language involved in some parts of this blog.

This blog ties in somewhat with yesterday's blog.  (see here )

With everything that's been going on within the past few months, I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Not only about the most recent happenings, but also about things past, friendship, myself, where I was, where I am now and things I've learned.

The situation, in so many ways, reminded me of the bad old days at sfv.  How?  The jockeying for position, the games, the pettiness, even, at one level or two, the childishness.

Several things have happened over the past couple of months, stretching to over a year at least, that were, in essence, the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

What really started the process was an issue that happened a couple of months ago that had a domino effect and ended a friendship that stood a couple of years.

Words were exchanged on both sides that shouldn't have been, tempers frayed and things ended.  But, what should have been a situation that should have started and ended between two people, escalated, due to one of the parties involved, to include others.

Personally, I would have tried to find another way of doing that.  Why?  I'm a private person by nature and if I have an argument with a person, I trust that that argument will remain between me and that person, and between me and that person alone - no matter what the tone of the argument is, no matter what the words that are exchanged are, and no matter who may be wrong, right, or whatever.  There is absolutely, in my opinion, no call to be discussing a private situation with others.  And when something like that happens, especially between two people who I happen to know and respect, that just makes my skin crawl.

But, I tried to keep an open mind, even while making some decisions privately.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, a decision was made to pull some stories from one of the boards I write at.  That, to me was uncalled for.  Why?  If it had involved only a few parties, I don't think it would have been so bad.  But to involve a group's writers that had either no knowledge of the situation, what was said and done, and particularly no say in the matter before the boards were pulled?  That is, to me, a thing done in such bad odor that even the lowest rungs of hell wouldn't touch it.

The folks that pulled the boards might say that "well, these are my boards, I can move these whereever and whenever I want".  Well that's just bullshit, plain and simple.  Yes, those story ideas may be theirs, but what of the writers?  What if they didn't want the stories moved from where they were?

What these actions are, in my opinion, when you strip away the words, the feelings, everything are childish.  Oversimplification?  I don't think so, but that's my opinion.  What it boils down to is (and I have said this before) that "I don't like you, I don't want to play with, I'm taking all my toys away so there." *insert stamping foot*

Maybe I'm just a hard case.  I don't know, but I don't really think I care either way.  If there are people who will turn their noses up at me for having the kinds of opinions that I have, I can't say that I mind - especially if they are willing to make do without a friendship simply because our opinions diverge or don't meet a certain "standard" then, quite frankly, I'm the one that is better off.

While I'm not your average, standard personality (quit your snickering), I have found that, even when I may not like someone or whatever may be the cause for friction, I can still work with that person and I can still write with that person(s).  Why?  A couple of reasons.  1)  I've worked too long on a history/character/story to simply leave it hanging.  2)  I refuse to leave characters I may be involved with simply hanging.  3) Writing has always been a joy and an escape for me and I refuse to let anyone spoil it.

I mentioned in yesterday's blog that the decisions that I had reached regarding some things have made me calmer and more relaxed and that the friends and co-conspirators that I am working with now in leadership are great is true.

A friendship of long standing has certainly been re-affirmed and two others are being more developed.  Having everything that has happened lately happen - has re-opened my eyes to stuff that was there that I saw without seeing - good friends and things that have, during the time they were happening, making me hide away from the boards, make me not want to come online and look at the boards and, in one respect, made me feel hunted.

The way some things were written did make me feel uncomfortable.  I can admit that now.  I pushed that aside because I'm really a non-confrontational person - especially when it comes to my own self.  If it seems to involve me, directly, then I'll leave it alone.  But involve someone I care about and a very aggressive mother hen nature takes over.

When I had sent out a response to an e-mail involving another group member (which again, I would have left between the two parties involved), I had received a response back from one of the original parties involved in the disagreement saying, in part, that she hoped that the other party realized how lucky she was that I was her friend.

You know what? I am the lucky one.  I met this lady about a year or so after I developed Jess as he is now.  One day, things weren't going too great, but weren't all bad and I was a lot more apt not to talk to people, I got this gram at sfv from one Enchanted Elf.

I don't remember the exact wording off it, but before I knew it we were friends - it sort of snuck up on me (and no, it isn't just because I tend to be oblivious until things hit me upside the head with a ballpeen hammer).  And I've not regretted it since.

She's a big sister and a very good friend rolled into one.  She'll provide a shoulder to whine on then badger the hell out of you until the mood passes.

She's a straight shooter and will tell it like it is even when standing behind principles that are already standing on a rock solid foundation.  She can be a wee bit aggressive *g*, but you know exactly where you stand with her.

And, that, to me is golden.

Others may not think so, and that's okay.  I've seen people turn away from her because of that, and I've seen people turn their noses up in her direction and in the direction of those who stand with her - including a couple of people whom we both had called friends over the years.

Yes, that hurt, but I got past it because I had her, Brandon and Sena.

I'll admit that I take a long time to warm up to people - in part because I have trust issues, hang ups up to wazoo, and I'm paranoid.  But you know, over the years my head hasn't always been on straight - it still isn't in more than one regard.  One thing I know has helped me is acceptance of who I am and who I can be - and knowing that it doesn't matter if I agree or disagree with something that one or another of our group may say - we'll talk about it, hash it out, and work it out.

And I think that if any one of us got huffy, the nerf bat would come out *weg*

I guess a couple of reasons why it works (besides friendship) is respect, trust, a going back to basics approach, and a lack of elitist superiority (or, if rears its ugly head, the nerf bat rule takes effect).

Anyhow - here is the blog mentioned in the admin boards.

One of the main reasons that I am retiring Jess is that, for all intents and purposes, he has served me well and it's time to let him go.

He was created at a time that I needed a character that was really good at being bad, yet was, at his core, quite capable of being decent.  I think I've done quite well with that.

Over the years, he's grown and changed and that is always a good thing with any character.

He's also been the keeper of what may or may not have been the edges of what was left of my sanity at times.

That he's being retired doesn't mean that what was left is gone, just that said grip on sanity has grown stronger.

He's also not going to be retired fully - he'll still be around.  How?  Well, flashbacks for one - he's still going to be around for those.  Two, there are one or two folks who are ripe for being haunted by himself *weg*  Three, if any stories come along that are going to be "backstories" (i.e., stories set in a time frame before Jess died), he's still liable to show up for one or two of those.

This retirement is not going to be in the near future (i.e, next few months) - it is going to be about a year, year and a half after DDG is up and fully running.

Now, Thomas.

What I have worked out for him so far is that:

1) he is from Jess's bastard line (from between his first and second marriage),

2)  he is a widower with a small son,

3)  his abilities mirror Jess,

4)  however, due to his own upbringing, he is of a lighter, less darker nature than Jess ever was,

5) he is a modern man who likes a simpler life (I've not worked out the full details of this yet, but probably either late 20th or early 21st century),

6) he will be phased in before Jess is retired, matter of fact, the two will know each other, and

7) they will meet as a result of Thomas seeking Jess out because he (thomas) and his son are the first of the line to have the same abilities within a generation (there have been maybe only a small handfull within the intervening years who have had fullblown "phoenix" abilities and never within even 2 generations) - so he wants advice.

That's it so far.  This will not affect the Metanoia boards or even the City of Night boards as in the former it is a different Jess and in the latter it is an earlier Jess of which we speak.

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?
this quiz was made by the lycanthropes at Spookbot

Take The Princess Quiz by Azure Eyes

You are The Princess of Quite a Bit

Your kingdom is comprised of modest crafts and tradesmen.
Though your title of Princess is mostly honourary, you still manage to take advantage of the freedom and privileges your sovereignity provides.
You have time to enjoy the finer things in life, but keep your indulgences to a minimal level, beleiving that one should waste not, want not.
You never forget your prestigieous heritage, but you prefer to mingle with the commoners, relishing in the special freedoms they have.
Your life revolves around tradition and celebration, spending those times with the ones you love.
Level-headed and considerate, you are well liked by all your subjects.
Your crown is a thin band of jewels.
Your throne is a simple chair that sits beside your mother’s throne.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty, right?

As well as reading the book below, am listening to VirginRadio UK (1215 AM)

Currently Reading Dark Night of the Soul By St. John of the Cross, E. Allison Peers see related

The lyrics below are to the U2 songs that I mentioned in an earlier log as being inspirational towards the story. I found the lyrics to Mothers of the Disappeared at the U2 site along with the other two and I just added it on.

Miss Sarajevo

Is there a time for keeping your distance
A time to turn your eyes away.
Is there a time for keeping your head down
For getting on with your day.
Is there a time for kohl and lipstick
Is there time for cutting hair
Is there a time for high street shopping
To find the right dress to wear.

Here she comes, heads turn around
Here she comes, to take her crown.

Is there a time to run for cover
A time for kiss and tell.
A time for different colours
Different names you find hard to spell.
Is there a time for first communion
A time for East 17
Is there time to turn to Mecca
Is there time to be a beauty queen.

Here she comes, beauty plays the clown
Here she comes, surreal in her crown.

Dici che il fiume trova la via al mare
Che come il fiume giungerai a me
Oltre i confini e le terre assetate
L'amore giungerà, l'amore
E non so più pregare
E nell'amore non so più sperare
E quell'amore non so più aspettare.

Is there a time for tying ribbons
A time for Christmas trees.
Is there a time for laying tables
When the night is set to freeze.

Note: The italicized text above is sung by Luciano Pavarotti

Theme From 'Gangs Of New York'

Oh my love
It's a long way we've come
From the freckled hills to the steel and glass canyons
From the stony fields, to hanging steel from the sky
From digging in our pockets, for a reason not to say goodbye

These are the hands that built America
Russian, Sioux, Dutch, Hindu
Polish, Irish, German, Italian

I last saw your face in a watercolour sky
As sea birds argued a long goodbye
I took your kiss on the spray of the new line star
You gotta live with your dreams
Don't make them so hard

And these are the hands that built America
These are the hands that built America
The Irish, the Blacks, the Chinese, the Jews
Korean, Hispanic, Muslim, Indian

Of all of the promises
Is this one we can keep?
Of all of the dreams
Is this one still out of reach?

Its early fall
There's a cloud on the New York skyline
Innocence dragged across a yellow line
These are the hands that built America
These are the hands that built America

Midnight, our sons and daughters
Were cut down and taken from us.
Hear their heartbeat We hear their heartbeat.
In the wind we hear their laughter
In the rain we see their tears.
Hear their heartbeat, we hear their heartbeat.

Night hangs like a prisoner
Stretched over black and blue.
Hear their heartbeats We hear their heartbeats.

In the trees our sons stand naked
Through the walls our daughter cry
See their tears in the rainfall.